Is this Moment Perfect?

“Would you agree that the present is perfect?” I asked. My client was having none of that. “Absolutely not!” she said, “I am miserable. My marriage is crumbling, my kids are driving me crazy, and I am ready to quit my job! It is anything but perfect.”

I was not quite so sure. “I think it is,” I noted to her dismayed eyes. I thought I had better explain before she stomped out of my office in mid-session.

Perfect does not mean preferred. It means something is absolute or complete. So, you may take a bite of something that is complete, with nothing missing. It is seasoned well, cooked well, and is a perfect bite. “Perfect,” you say. Or maybe you look at a beautiful painting on the wall of the museum. Not a brush stroke out of place, not a single stroke of paint more was needed. “Perfect,” you murmur in awe. Or it might be the beauty of a sunset over the ocean, clouds right where they need to be, sea birds in perfect formation. “Perfect,” you think as you stare in rapt awe.

But the same can be applied to other terms that are less desirable, and still perfect. For example, a “perfect storm” can be very destructive, because all the conditions came together the right way for it to be massive. The combination of circumstances are the perfect conditions to maximize the effectiveness of the storm.

Present perfect? My client didn’t think so. But I did… and I do. I also believe the this perfect present is important to understand if we want to grow and change.

In grammar (never my best subject), the present perfect tense refers to an event that happened in the past and continues into the present. Something that began back there and continues right here, right now.

Thomas Leonard, a grandfather of life coaching as a profession, once suggested, “See how perfect the present reality really is. Especially when it is not.” He called this the Present Perfect. If we want to make our present more of what we would prefer, it is a concept we need to embrace and understand. If our present preferred is not the present perfect, we must start with where we are first.

Present perfect means that this moment is a perfect reflection of the culmination of everything that has happened up to this moment to create this moment. Everything in our past comes to this moment, to bring us to this point-in-time. Present perfect is the fact that where we are, what is happening in this moment, is from everything that has come before. It can’t be any other way than this.

Can it be different going forward? Absolutely. By changing what we are doing. What happens in this moment changes what happens in the future moments, as they are also perfect representations of everything that has happened up until that moment. So, what we do can change what happens.

And still, every moment is a perfect culmination and reflection of everything that has come before it, though. That is inescapable.

When I find myself in a peak moment — a moment that is everything I want it to be — it is easy to say, “What a perfect moment.” But when things are collapsing all around, it is equally valid (and important) to say, “What a perfect moment.” It may be harder to say, but it is still valid. Maybe it is even more important to say, since we tend to push against the what is that we don’t like.

Where I am is where I am, due to everything that has happened up until this moment that brings me to where I am. The same is true for you. That is both a bit overwhelming and a bit freeing.

First, the overwhelm. Just for a moment, ponder everything that has had to happen in history to bring you to this moment, reading this article. Everything that had to happen, everything that had to be, just the way it was (and is) to arrive at this very moment. All the events that had to come together, all the people who had to meet, all to bring you to right where you are, right at this moment. All of it had to happen for me to be writing and you to be reading.

How far back does this stretch? All the way to the beginning of time. It is like a funnel, with everything back there moving toward right here, in this moment. Just the chances of you being born are estimated to be upwards of 1 in 400 trillion. In other words, the chances are stacked against you being here. And yet, here you are! A perfect representation of everyone who had to meet and create, just to have you here right now. But that calculation is just a guestimate, based on many underlying assumptions. Perhaps the odds are better or worse for you to be here. Either way, the statistical odds are stacked against it. And yet, here you are. Here we are.

Since your birth, you have made choices, had experiences, had (or didn’t have) opportunities, navigated chance events, and arrive to this moment. Some of what brings you to here are your choices. Some of what brings you here are of no choice of your own.

You and I did not choose the family into which we were born. We didn’t choose the place where we were born, nor did we choose the point in history. And we didn’t choose the DNA that directed the formation of our bodies (both our strengths and weaknesses). That was much more of a cosmological game of dice, rolling out where we entered the world, and the raw material we contain. That was not our choice. It is where we land.

Which shapes so much of the course of our lives. Opportunities afforded or out of reach, worldviews and beliefs we hold, and other possibilities for life are embedded in those events over which we had no control.

From there, we make choices and face challenges that continue to shape our journey of life, bringing us to here.

That can be a bit overwhelming to ponder, the whole of history bringing me to here and you to here.

But it is also freeing.

Where we are is where we are, much of it beyond our control. The beginning of our lives was set without any choice on our part. Our choices along the way were shaped by where and when we entered the world, and with whom. But that does not leave us stuck.

We can also shape what happens next, based on our own choices and opportunities. We are not merely stuck in the destiny of our lives, propelled forward on a predetermined path. But nor are we free of those constraints we did not choose.

We can choose now, though. We can help shape our next present perfect, our next moment. We can move our present perfect closer to our present preferred.

The Equation

Our choices do help determine and shape this moment. And remember that this moment is reflecting all that happened before. We can make that into a little equation, for easy reference. Jack Canfield has popularized the equation that Dr. Robert Reznick created.

This equation can help you shift your life to a more preferred moment. That moment will perfectly reflect how you apply this formula.

Many people assume that what happens around them is just what it is. There is nothing they can do about it. Life happens and they are the passive, just along for the ride… or more often, they feel rolled along. That was the case for my client at the beginning of this article. Her marriage was crumbling, parenting was not what she thought it would be, and her job was miserable. My client thought life was happening to her. She did not see any place where her actions were in the equation of how life was going. Life happened, and it happened to her.

When I asked my client about her role in the marital struggles, she broadly stated that, “Well, I am sure I could have done better here and there. But my husband is never home, and his parents divorced when he was young. I think he just doesn’t know how to be a great husband.” The children? “What can you do? Their personalities are just hard. They are like their father.” The job? “My boss just makes foolish decisions and has unfair expectations.”

Life was happening to my client. And she was just being rolled along.

Other people assume that their life is entirely up to them. One client was struggling to make his life what he wanted it to be. With a successful business, my client proclaimed, “I am a self-made man!” I asked him to explain, and he told me a story where he had single-handedly built the business, a success he believed he deserved from his hard work. “And that is why I am so proud of myself. I did this on my own… self-made.” He sat back on my couch, arms crossed, resolute in his success.

I had known this man… and I knew his story. And here is the problem: if you think you are self-made, when life is not going so well, you start feeling the pressure. You have to keep making life go your way. Which is where the story turned a bit. My client’s life had hit a tough point. His marriage was not great, and his kids were not listening. He couldn’t seem to control those people in his life. He was struggling to control and steer his life.

But before we dealt with that, we needed a mental shift. I asked, “Didn’t you buy that business from your father? And didn’t you get to use the profit of the company to pay that off over the years?” He nodded. “And your business… isn’t it built on your employees? They work hard, right?” He nodded. “And the profit of your company, that comes from customers who give you their money they worked hard for, right? They buy a product that you didn’t make. Right?” He nodded. “So, when you say, ‘self-made,’ that isn’t entirely accurate, is it?” He stared at me, a bit lost. “I agree,” I told him, “that you have made some creative shifts and decisions along the way. But you had a starting point others did not, and you had help from there. Am I right?” He slowly nodded.

My client believed he was rolling life along.

But in reality, life isn’t just rolling along, and we don’t roll life along. Both are partly true. They are two parts of the story. Which is where the equation comes in.

E + R = O. An equation with three parts, E, R, and O.

Let’s start with the last component, the sum. O is the outcome. It is this moment in your life. It is your Present Perfect. O is right now, this moment, however it is. You are standing in the outcome.

E represents the events that happen. They are the external events of our lives. Where we were born, to whom, and when, are the initial events. And along the way, life keeps happening. Events keep happening. They are external to us. A storm hits, an accident happens, an illness strikes, a recession happens, a pandemic emerges (oh, and good events happen, too). They are external, happening to you and around you.

And R is your response to the event. Something happens and you respond/react. That creates the R of the equation. Your response may be something you do or that you don’t do. So, R is your action (or inaction), based on where you find yourself, facing those external events.

Many people believe E = O. The events in life are the same as the outcome. What happens to us — the events — is the same as where we find ourselves — the outcome. Life just happens to them, without any way to change course or direction.

Other people believe that R = O. They believe that their own actions should equate to their outcome. They see themselves as fully in control of life. To be honest, more often than not, this belief is projected onto others. That is what we believe when we see someone’s current situation and assign it as their fault.

In other words, while we often see ourselves as victims of circumstances, we often see others as victims of their own actions. People tend to see themselves through the lens of external events, and others through the lens of their actions.

The formula, though, helps us see both variables that lead to this moment. The circumstances (the Events) happen, and we take some action (the Response). The sum (and really, interaction) of those two together lead to this moment (the Outcome). Which is why that equation is so powerful (E + R = O). It shows the circumstances over which we have no control, and our response over which we have control. And that leads to this (perfect) present moment.

If we want to stay with the math equation, R is the variable we can change. When we change R, we change O. You don’t have much control over the E’s of life that come your way. But you do have control over the R’s, your responses.

If your Response stays the same, and the Events stay the same, you will end up with the same Outcome. This is why addictions specialists remind us that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome.” There should be no surprise that if we still respond the same way to a certain situation, we will still get the same result.

Let’s say that you don’t like your current Outcome. You know you can’t change the Events. But you can change your Response. A different Response will yield a different Outcome.

Or perhaps you like your current situation (your Outcome). But you see that the Events are changing (they do and they will). In order to balance the equation, you still have to change your Response, in order to keep the same Outcome.

The variable we can control is our Response. The life we have is a result of all those Events, plus all our Responses. It amounts to the Outcome we are experiencing right now.

But “right now” is just that… this moment. There will be another moment… like right now… and another after that. The Present Perfect will change. There will be other events and we have other opportunities to respond. We can respond the way we have before, or we can make a change to another response. We have that choice.

Your Possible Responses

It was fall. I was sitting in my small cubby of an office, staring at the quickly darkening evening sky. And I was frustrated. My client had just left, defiant and refusing to participate. He was court ordered to be there; I was just one more part of a system with which he had no desire to interact. He also had no choice. It is not a great recipe for successful therapy.

I fell into the position when I was in a similar position across town. The prior staff fell ill and was no longer able to work. I was in a more affluent area where the police mostly took the teens to their parents after minor infractions. So, we had no clients for the court diversion program. Across town, there was a flood of clients. It was a poverty neighborhood, and teens were processed through the courts for the exact same offenses that landed them at home in another part of town. Which is how I found myself staring out the window.

The program was great, in theory. Take teens with minor infractions and move them out of the legal system. Give them some guidance and counseling. Get them to a better life by addressing the issues that kept them stuck (their R-esponse). Except, the teens didn’t see the long-term benefit — only the short-term inconvenience. Which led to session after session with a resistant (often defiant) client. And little change. The client experienced the same E-vents, and continued with the same R-esponse. Which often led to the same O-utcome.

Since therapy never works well as a wrestling match between counselor and client, I was constantly trying to maneuver and shift the client to some bit of growth. It could be frustrating, though, when I knew the self-sabotage that was in progress, even if I also knew the circumstances had been unfair.

Which led me to staring out the window, defeated and frustrated. Not quite sure if I wanted to continue in the program.

Maybe I should just quit, I was thinking as I stared at the quickly darkening sky. My office was on the third floor of a fairly large building. I was the only person on that side of the building. It was quiet and I was alone with my thoughts. Maybe I should just quit….

As I stared out the window, it occurred that I had three options at that moment.

1. I could just keep doing what I was doing, knowing it was not making a big difference, but knowing I would keep getting my paycheck. “Suck it up and stay in the job,” I thought.

2. I could just quit and leave. It would likely either shut down the program or lead to a long delay in services. And I would have to find something else that would give me a paycheck. “Just quit and leave,” I thought.

3. I could change things. I could do things differently and see if the program could shift. I could work on transforming the program (and me) to make it better. I wondered, “How could I change this — the program and me — to make it work?”

Since then, I have pondered the fact that those are the three options we generally have every single day, when faced with circumstances. It is true when we are struggling, when we don’t like where we are. If life is the way we want it, we likely don’t ponder the question. If you like what life is giving you, you just keep doing what you are doing… and hope that life keep coming toward you the way it has been.

These three options, though, arise when things are not where you want them to be. And there are times when each option is valid and necessary. Even the first one, to keep doing what you’ve been doing. There may be a bigger reason to keep at it, even when you don’t like where you are at that moment. It may be the path to the life you do want. Or it may serve a bigger purpose.

For example, through my years of grad school, there were plenty of times that I just wanted to quit and walk away. I was tired of schooling, tired of the pressure, and tired of another class, another assignment, another training. But it served to get me to the life I wanted. The bigger reason outweighed the short-term frustrations.

And sometimes, it is important to quit and walk away. That can be equally valid. There are times when continuing to do the same thing, knowing you will only get the same result, has to end. These are times when you can only end the fact that you are getting the same result by quitting what you are doing. This is certainly true for bad habits and addictions. If you don’t like the results, you quit the behavior and actions. It can also be true for destructive relationships or jobs. To change your present moment, you must quit your current actions.

It can often seem that those are the two choices — keep on doing the same old thing, or quit doing it and walk away.

This binary thinking can keep you stuck. Stay or quit. The same or the opposite. Suck it up or walk away. Which is why it keeps us stuck. It is simply one or the other. No other option… it seems.

Then, there is that third option of transformation. When I was staring out the window that evening, it occurred to me that there was a need in the community. One that was bigger than the court diversion program. There was a need for family services and counseling that considered the issues of poverty and inequity. The need was there, not to get rid of the program, but to expand it.

Over the next couple of years, I built that new program, and built a model of care for that situation. It was one of the most rewarding accomplishments of my life. It was transformational.

The third option is one of transformation from within. Of staying in a tough moment and transforming your response, to transform the outcome.

Those three options are our choice points. And there are times when each one is the right choice for you. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of the three choices; it is a matter of how they fit into your desired outcome at that point, at that moment.

It may be important to stick through something and wait it out. Even if you don’t like it, and even if you would rather things be different. There may be a greater good or a better future that will come from staying.

And there are times when it makes sense to quit. Perhaps the situation has gotten to the point that it is more damaging, or simply no longer worth it, to stay. We all have points in our lives when it is time to end something — or at least your involvement in it.

The third option is often the one overlooked. It requires a creative shift, bypassing the binary choice of stay or quit. And when you look for that third option, it often clarifies whether staying or quitting makes sense. The creative process of looking for the third option often frees us from being stuck in a binary perspective, even if the ultimate choice comes down to either staying or leaving.

In my work with couples, I often noticed how stuck people got in the binary choice: “do I leave my marriage or do I stay?” The third option is, “How could I transform my marriage and build it into something I would want to stay in?” That option can be difficult to see when you are stuck in the binary “stay or leave” choice.

Think of the power, though, of that third option. Staying in a miserable, unhappy marriage does little for either person. Leaving, though, creates heartache and pain, disrupts lives, and is a financial hardship. What if the relationship could be transformed? What if it could become a marriage that is fulfilling for both people, loving and warm, connected and healed? Many times, people are so stuck in the stay/leave cycle of thinking that they can’t see the third option. Yet it is often the best choice. It doesn’t eliminate staying or leaving, but expands the possibilities.

If nothing else, Third Option Thinking opens us to creativity and possibility. It stretches us to question Stay or Leave. It opens us to possibility thinking. Suddenly, the R of the equation widens and expands. We have more values to add to the variable. And any time there are more options for a variable, the wider the possible outcome becomes.

Accepting and Acting

For a moment, let’s return to the concept of Present Perfect. This moment perfectly reflects everything that has happened up until this very moment. We are living out the culmination of all that has come before, right up until this very moment. All the events, all our responses, they all culminate to deliver us to this very moment, as it is.

Years ago, we briefly took care of a dog that had some “issues.” He was quick to aggression and refused to obey any command. When I put him on a leash, it felt more like I had hooked a huge fish on the end of the line. He bucked and shaked, jerked and pulled. It was no fun for me. But it was also pretty miserable for him. A simple walk was frustrating for me, but exhausting for him as he expended wasted energy to get away from a leash that was firmly attached.

One client was struggling with the mess of his business, his marriage, and his relationships. He reminded me of that dog on the leash. He thrashed around, complaining about all the people around him, all the relationships around him. He told me about the horrible customers, employees, and suppliers that were affecting his business.

I looked at him and asked, “Can you tell me the one common element of all of this?” He stopped thrashing for a moment, and quickly responded. “Yes!” he told me, “You cannot count on people to do what they need to do! Life is unfair and people suck!”

After a moment, I slowly said, “No, that is not the common element.” I paused for “therapeutic” effect. He stared at me, waiting for me to let him know what was really at fault. I said, “You are. You are the common element in all the stories you noted. You are the constant.”

His face reddened. “This is not my fault!” he spewed.

I noted, “I did not say it was your fault, but that you are the single common element.” I continued, “So, what might you be able to change here? What might be your place to shift?”

My client was struggling with his present state, clearly unhappy with the results he was getting. Yet he failed to notice how his own actions were part of the situation, creating outcomes he did not like. While not liking what was, he struggled to see the puzzle pieces fitting together. His struggle kept him stuck, unable to change his own responses.

He’s not the only one. Many people do the same struggle against the “leash” of their current situation, unhappy with the way things are. They struggle against it, denying and rationalizing, ignoring and justifying, fighting and arguing. They (and often those around them) are pretty miserable.

And yet, nothing changes about their current situation. The struggle against their situation generally does little to improve things, but often leads to a more miserable present.

If the present is perfect — that is, a perfect representation of where you are, given all that has come before, right up until is moment, both the events and your responses — then you find yourself in the present perfect. Right here, right now.

And yet, many people struggle with being right here, right now. Perhaps it is a wish to be elsewhere, or perhaps just not liking where they are. And yet, here they are.

Here you are, and here I am. Here.

Pretending that is not true, pretending something else to be true, is an unproductive and self-defeating experience. I know; I have done it plenty of times. We all have. I’ve refused to acknowledge something that is, usually because I don’t want it to be… which does nothing to change what is. Which means I am only struggling against what is, but not changing it.

In grief work, there are five stages of the grief experience: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When I was a hospital chaplain three decades ago, there was a cultural belief that people in grief needed to be moved (if not shoved) through the stages until we got them to “acceptance.” I have come to realize it had more to do with discomfort with grief than the need of the griever. I have also come to realize that at the time, “acceptance” was often more resignation or defeat.

Acceptance, though, is something else. It is the acceptance of this moment, this point in time, where I find myself. It is not about my future, but about my present. And it is a critical life skill to be able to stand in acceptance. You must notice and know where you are right now, before you can decide where you want to go.

To use a travel analogy, if you don’t know where you are, it is impossible to figure out how to get to where you want to go. Back before my phone showed me the way, we had to pull out a map to find our directions. That started with orienting to where we were on the map. Somehow, we never really struggled to pretend we were somewhere else on the map. I could daydream and imagine being somewhere else, even plotting many courses to somewhere I would rather be. But I was always clear on where I was at the start.

On many long trips in my childhood and into my early adulthood, a long trip started with a short trip to AAA to pick up a triptik. The comb-bound maps were a flip-sheet of the route. You started at the first page and could watch the progress of the trip on the map, flipping the page when you got to the end of that page’s map section. It was a somewhat satisfying reminder of the progress to your destination. As the pages flipped, you were getting closer.

At every point, though, you could only see what needed to happen next if you knew where you were on the map. It laid out the best route for the trip… but the triptik was useless if you didn’t know (or acknowledge) where you were. Being in Arizona but looking at the route in New Mexico was little help on the trip to California.

And yet, we tend to do that with regularity in life. We want to find ourselves somewhere else on the map, somewhere we would prefer to be. We either refuse to notice something or pretend that things are different than they are. We refuse to see things or interpret things more to a state we would prefer. Neither of which shift what is.

Years ago, I was out scuba diving on a lake with a dive buddy. His wife was along for the boat ride. She was catching some sun while we were preparing to dive. I noticed a spot on her shoulder and asked if she had seen a doctor about it. Clearly, as I was noting it, both my friend and his wife were aware of the spot. They looked at each other. And then, she said, “No, I am afraid of what they might tell me.”

I was worried about the spot. I said, “You know that whether you do to the doctor or not, it is what it is, right?” She stared at me, then finally nodded. I continued, “It might be nothing, and it won’t matter. But if it is something, better to find out earlier than later. Please see a doctor.” She reluctantly agreed. But in not wanting to face what was, she almost missed the opportunity to stop the melanoma before it progressed.

That is the consequence of playing the game of denial. We often miss the opportunity to course-correct. That is what I often see with couples. They refuse to notice the state of their relationship (and the state of the spouse about the state of the marriage) until deep damage has been incurred. Until the relationship is damaged beyond repair.

The sooner we can accept where we are, the sooner we can make shifts toward our preferred destination. The longer we wait, the further off-course we get. If we notice that the map doesn’t look right as soon as we are on the wrong road, we can quickly get back to the right road. But keep on wandering and deciding you must be on the right road — it just doesn’t look like the map said it would — the longer it takes to get back to the route. And sometimes, we are so lost that getting back is not possible.

Acceptance is less about resignation and more about recognition. Many see it as giving up, accepting the current state. Actually, it is a realization of your current circumstances — the events that have happened and your responses to the events. Your current point is the outcome of all that has happened, all that you responded, all culminating here, in this perfect present. It may or may not be your preference, but it is the present. From here, you start the next step, the next response, that moves you toward your preferred present.

The present where we find ourselves is the perfect representation of all the events and our responses to those events. It is perfect, whether we like where we are or not. When we find ourselves here and we want to be there, we can’t control those events around us. But we can control how we respond. And since our response shapes the outcome, we can change the next moment. The starting point is seeing where you are, then deciding where you want to be, then choosing actions that move you in that direction, for a present perfect you would also prefer.

TL;DR

1. This moment is the Present Perfect, an exact representation of everything that has come before it. It perfectly represents all that has come before this moment, culminating in right here, right now.

2. There are external events that happen to us, and there are responses we make to those events, that form this current outcome. E + R = O, Events and our Response leads to the Outcome. Don’t like the Outcome? Change your Response. Like the Outcome, but Events are changing? Change your Response.

3. In every situation, we have three options:
a. Stay and continue.
b. Quit and leave.
c. Transform the situation to what you might prefer.

4. It starts with Acceptance of where you are right now. Not struggling against where you are, or pretending you are elsewhere. Acceptance allows you to choose the next place you want to be, your preferred present. Acceptance is not giving up; it is acknowledging the current place, from where you start.

5. The Perfect Present is where you find yourself. But the next moment gives another. We are where we are. And we can shift toward the outcome we would prefer by what we do.

About the author: Lee Baucom, Ph.D., is the world’s first Thriveologist. For over three decades, he has studied, practiced, and taught how to thrive in life. He is the host of the Thriveology Podcast. He is also the author of a number of books on healing relationships and thriving in life, including Thrive Principles, The Immutable Laws of Living, and The Forgive Process. And he is the creator of the transformational Thrive Journal, recently released.